Reading List

My current reading list.

1) Church Planter by Darrin Patrick
2) What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage by Paul Tripp
3) The Forgotten Ways by Alan Hirsch
4) Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
5) Spiritual Depression: It's causes and cure by Martin Lloyd Jones

Divorce and Remarriage

I spoke last Sunday morning on divorce, remarriage, and children of divorce. You can watch the celebration below with notes following.

Tough Love 5 "Divorce and Remarriage" 09-26-10 from Roger Durbin on Vimeo.

Divorce and Remarriage Notes
The Ordained Elders at The Bridge

To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. – 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (ESV)

The Church at Corinth was confused over issues pertaining to divorce and remarriage and asked their pastor Paul a number of questions. His answers are recorded in 1 Corinthians 7:10-24, 39-40. The issue of divorce and remarriage is significant in our culture and is hotly debated among Christians. It seems prudent to answer the questions asked by the Corinthians in addition to many of the questions that are commonly asked around The Bridge Community Church. The following position paper seeks to do so.

What do we know for certain about marriage?
1. God created marriage between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:22-25)
2. God designed marriage to be a permanent union of “oneness” that is not to be broken (Genesis 2:23-24; Matthew 19:4-6).
3. Marriage is a covenant not a contract (Malachi 2:14; Proverbs 2:17, Ecclesiastes 5:4). God and human witness ratify and officially record the event. Anniversaries revisit the covenant.
4. A marriage partnership is one in which the husband commits to ensuring his wife’s and his children’s well-being. (Exodus 21:10; Ephesians 5:28-29; 1Timothy 5:8).
5. A husband is accountable for his family’s well-being and conduct. (Genesis 3:9; Ephesians 5:22-33; Colossians 3:18-21; 1 Peter 3:1-7).
6. God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16).
7. The death of a spouse terminates the marriage covenant (Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinthians 7:39).

Does The Bridge Community Church honor cohabitation relationships as marriage?
No. A marriage is both a spiritual and legal matter (Romans 13:1-3).

What constitutes a legitimate ending of a marriage?
1. The death of a spouse (1 Corinthians 7:39; Romans 7:2-4). We recommend that you take time to truly grieve first and seek gospel-centered counseling.
2. Non-Christian divorce. A Christian should not initiate divorce with a non-Christian but should live graciously with their spouse. 1 Corinthians 7:14 tells us that this action may even lead the unbelieving spouse toward justification. If the non-Christian divorces them, however, they are free to-remarry (1 Corinthians 7:10-24). Our recommendation is that you make sure you truly grieve first and don’t be afraid to seek Biblical counseling.
3. An unrepentant spouse under church discipline. If your spouse betrays your marriage covenant (adultery, abuse, chronic sin, etc…) you are not free to divorce him or her, but you are free, and encouraged, to confront him or her with his or her sin and seek restoration. If you confront your spouse who is in sin and he or she is not repentant, then you should bring the matter to the elders and the elders may begin formal church discipline (Matthew 18:15-17). If in the course of discipline the sinning spouse does not repent, he or she will be viewed as a non-believer and asked to leave the church (1 Corinthians 5). If the spouse who is under church discipline, seeks a divorce, then 1 Corinthians 7:15 applies and the believing spouse is free from the marriage.

What will the elders do if my Christian spouse insists on divorcing me?
If a Christian initiates divorce, the elders will begin an investigation with the intent of bringing about repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation. If biblical grounds are not found and there is no repentance, then church discipline will begin (Mark 10:11-12; Romans 7:2-3; 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, 27).

Does this mean that women must endure abusive relationships?
No. Abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, etc.) intolerably and sinfully violates the frequent command to love like Jesus. It also violates the spirit of 1 Peter 3:7. Those being harmed must be removed from the environment that endangers them and the laws of our state must be followed.

You may need to seek immediate separation until the offending party repents and returns to covenant. You should never place yourself, or your children, in harm’s way for the sake of the relationship or to prevent the other person from leaving. You should also immediately contact the elders of the church to assist you in confronting the abuse.

Am I required to take back my spouse after they have committed adultery?
Whenever possible, reconciliation is the primary motivation behind our actions toward those who have done great harm to us (1 Corinthians 7:11) because Jesus says we should love our enemies (Matthew 5:43-45). The Bible also commands sinners to repent. If, however, there is no true repentance, then there is no requirement to remain married.

This is how God relates to us in covenant. He confronts our sin and offers us forgiveness when we turn toward Him. The offending spouse must be willing to accept the confrontation and forgiveness and be completely repentant. We recognize the wounding that takes place when a spouse commits adultery and we know much healing will need to take place, but if the offending spouse is authentic in his or her repentance, then every effort should be made to keep the covenant of marriage. If the offending spouse is not repentant then he or she may be placed under church discipline.

Can I remarry if my spouse dies?
Yes. The marriage covenant ends with the death of one’s spouse (Romans 7:2, 1 Corinthians 7:39). We recommend that you have time to truly grieve and give consideration to 1 Corinthians 7:40.

Can I remarry after divorcing an adulterer?
This is the most disputed issue on the topic of divorce and remarriage. On the face of it, Jesus and the apostle Paul made no allowance for remarriage (Matthew 5:31-32; 19:9; Mark 10:11-12; Luke 16:18; 1 Corinthians 7:10-11).

These following points set the parameters for remarriage.
• The offended party of a divorce due to adultery may remarry but the guilty party may not remarry (Matthew 19:9; Mark 10:10-12; Luke 16:18).
• A believer who remarries after a non-Christian spouse divorces a believing spouse constitutes a legitimate marriage (1 Corinthians 7:15).
• If divorce occurs before a person has surrendered his or her life to Christ, and an appropriate effort to restore the marriage has been undertaken without favorable results, remarriage is appropriate, so long as the believer marries a Christian.

Does this mean the innocent party should remain single indefinitely?
It means that they should remain single until every effort to reconcile has been exhausted, with counsel from the local church elders to help guard against impulsiveness. (Proverbs 15:22; Hebrews 13:7).

If the offending spouse remarries, is there any obligation for the offended spouse to remain single?
This is a matter of conscience as no further option is Biblically available to restore the marriage (Deuteronomy 24:3-4). In this case, The Bridge Community Church feels that the innocent party would be free to remarry.

Can I remarry if I divorced my spouse just because we were incompatible?
No. A Christian’s strongest desire should be to work toward reconciliation, which means discovering what made you incompatible, and change. Remember, marriage is not for our happiness; it is for our holiness.

Can I divorce and remarry if my spouse is placed under church discipline by the elders?
If your spouse is placed under church discipline by the elders and does not respond in repentance, he or she will be viewed as a non-Christian. Even in the case of adultery and sexual immorality, you (the regenerated offended party) should not initiate divorce from your spouse without considerable council from church leadership and you should remain faithful to the covenant of marriage if at all possible. Depending on your spouse’s sin and refusal to repent, you may need to separate from your spouse. However, if your spouse chooses to divorce you, or if the spouse abandons you, then you are not bound to him or her in marriage and you are free to remarry.

What if I divorced while a non-Christian?
You had no power to submit to the commands of Christ as a non-Christian. While marriage is given for all humanity, non-Christians cannot be expected to obey God’s commands and Jesus died to forgive repentant sinners. Therefore, that person would be eligible to remarry as a new Christian, but only after every effort is made to restore the previous marriage through a reconciliation process.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
True repentance and reconciliation is always the best option. Even if divorce is possible in some circumstances, patiently working through the process of reconciliation in the context of a community of believers is always preferable.

If one is currently considering divorce (or if his or her spouse in considering divorce) for any reason whatsoever, or if one is currently divorced and is considering remarriage, he or she should seek counsel from the elders of The Bridge.

Remarriage will be considered an option if a divorce has occurred on the basis of: unrepentant sexual immorality, desertion by an unbeliever, or if the divorce occurred prior to the regenerating power of Jesus Christ in a person’s life.

Good Sex, Bad Sex: The Sermon

I blogged a few days ago about resources to go along with the sermon "Good Sex, Bad Sex." The sermon is now available on vimeo and embedded below.

[benjamindurbin.com]

Tough Love 3 "Good Sex, Bad Sex" 09-12-10 from Roger Durbin on Vimeo.

Good Sex, Bad Sex: Recommended Resources

We studied 1 Corinthians 6:12-7:7 in a sermon titled "Good Sex, Bad Sex" at The Bridge on 9/12/2010. This post suggests recommended resources as a follow-up from the sermon. Many of these resources come recommended from the free resource we gave out to men, Sexual Detox by Tim Challies.

Sex
Undefiled - Harry Schaumburg writes about finding redemption from sexual sin and seeks to help couples find restoration for breaking or broken relationships.
False Intimacy - Also by Harry Schaumburg, this book looks to the struggle of sexual addiction, including homosexuality, cybersex and so on.
Sex and the Supremacy of Christ - This book, edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor, is the product of a Desiring God conference so is a compendium of conference talks and other useful essays or articles. It is a bit of a grab bag but there is lots of good stuff.
Intended for Pleasure - This is a nuts and bolts kind of book that is often given to newlyweds to help them get “oriented” in the bedroom. Most couples who aren’t given one before they get married end up trying to track one down during their honeymoon.
Sexual Redemption Bundle - Monergism Books has bundled a whole lot of resources into one “sexual redemption bundle” based around Harry Schaumburg’s Undefiled.

Marriage
This Momentary Marriage - John Piper puts a lot of effort into writing about the link between the union of husband and wife and the union of Christ to his church.
When Sinners Say ‘I Do’ - Dave Harvey’s book is a really good one for the newly married as it deals honestly with the inevitability of sin.
The Intimate Marriage - R.C. Sproul focuses on communication as key to a great marriage. His chapter on Communication and Sex deals with unusual topics like frigidity, impotence and what is permissible within marriage.
Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis has only a couple of chapters dealing with sex and marriage but they are top-notch. You’ve probably got the book somewhere, so pull it out and read those chapters.
A Biblical Guide to Love, Sex and Marriage - Derek and Rosemary Thomas wrote this book on sex and marriage based on Song of Solomon.
Love that Lasts - Gary and Betsy Ricucci cover a wide range of marriage-related topics in this book.

Men
Sex Is Not the Problem, Lust Is - This book, by Josh Harris, is great reading for any man, married or single.
Sex, Romance and the Glory of God - C.J. Mahaney does a good job of challenging men to be godly husbands. The enduring wisdom here is never to touch your wife’s body until you’ve touched her heart and her mind.
Porn Again Christian - Mark Driscoll offers a frank discussion on porn and masturbation. MA-17

Women
Feminine Appeal - Carolyn Mahaney writes a book for women in which she challenges them on a host of issues related to love, sex and marriage.
Becoming the Woman of His Dreams -This one by Sharon Jaynes comes highly recommended.

Web Sites
CCEF - Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation offers counseling and excellent resources on any number of issues (including the New Growth Press).
Boundless - Targeted at Christian singles and young adults, Boundless features all kinds of great resources in their blog and webzine.
Stone Gate Resources - At Stone Gate Resources offers Brief Intensive Counseling for couples who are in need of intensive and immediate help. If your marriage is on the rocks due to sex-related issues, this is a good place to seek help.

Sermons
How to deal with the guilt of sexual failure for the glory of Christ and His global cause - John Piper
Purity series by Joshua Harris
- God's good plan for sex
- Resisting Lust
- Husband and Wife **must listen
Using Sex as a Weapon by Darrin Patrick

Date Night Tips
Date night tips for Married couples by Mark Driscoll

Marriage Conference
What Did You Expect? - A marriage conference with Paul Trip Oct. 1 & 2 on redeeming the realities of marriage. It won't take long for you to realize that your marriage hasn't escaped the reality of sin or the brokenness of the world. It's what you do next that will make all the difference in the world in the character and quality of your marriage.
Weekend to Remember - Becky and I attended one of these early on in our marriage. It was pretty good.

Good Sex, Bad Sex

God created sex to be a beautiful and essential ingredient in marriage, but sexual sin---sex outside the marriage relationship--always hurts someone. It hurts God because it shows that we prefer following our own desires instead of the leading of the Holy Spirit. It hurts others because it violates the commitment necessary to a relationship. Sexual temptations are difficult to withstand because they appeal to the normal and natural desires that God has given us. Marriage provides God's way to satisfy these natural sexual desires and to strengthen the partners against temptation.

Satan’s plan is that people would have as much sex outside of the marriage relationship and as little within the marriage relationship as is possible. His plan is to mask, to hide, the true purpose of sex behind the pleasure it brings simply as a physical act. It is a clever plan that has proven effective time and time again. But, there’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, ‘The two become one.’ Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never ‘become one.’

Join us this week for the riskiest sermon I may ever preach. I'll see you at 9:00 or 10:45 for "Good Sex, Bad Sex." Read ahead in 1 Corinthians 6:12-7:7.

We are giving out two resources for married and single men this weekend. If you are a dude, don't miss.

Parents - view this warning from Roger Durbin on Vimeo.